thoughts and things

At Alex's recommendation I read Kurt Vonnegut's "A Man Without A Country" the other day. It is a must-read. An earnest, charming, delightful, witty, easy read full of sass and truth. I enjoyed it so much - it only takes about an hour to devour. Vonnegut says,

"If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing your art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something."

I think that's funny. And wonderful. And true. I wanted to share it.

I am also reading Jim Orbinski's "An Imperfect Offering," which is a book about his experiences in war-torn countries through Doctors Without Borders. My favorite quote so far is this,

"The thought of giving up is inconceivable."

While we're in the way of quoting people, the other week I stated,

"I don't believe in dinosaurs."

And I don't.

The semester is actually over. I know this because I am sitting at my parent's home in Henderson, Nevada wearing my sweatpants. I just woke up from a four-hour nap and ate some potroast. This is the last time we'll gather in this house because my folks are moving to Kansas City, Missouri (where I was born, incidentally). I have mixed feelings about this... it kind of feels like this:

Lastly, I can't stop watching this video. When the drums come in, tell me how big your head nod was. Seeing Arcade Fire in concert would be a purely religious experience for me.

Happy Christmas, all.

time to share

#1. A collage I made for Tristen:

#2. My view of the valley:

Discussion on desire

Desire is a strange concept. It's one force that drives us for our entire lives: desire to do, or not do; to have, or not have. I desire to search more in-depth which desires are driving me. My desires include (but are not limited to)...

• creation/collaboration/spirituality (peace)
  
• comfort/health/safety
• companionship/validation/honor
• survival/security/ownership
• success/fulfillment/recognition
• travel/knowledge/truth
• humour/pleasure/simplicity (ease)
  

I think that I've been pretty consistent over the years as far as finding an outlet for my craft, which is probably the most significant desire I have - the desire that continually takes precedence. Music/creating has been my main goal for such a long time, so at least I can be consistent in that way :) It's a good part of life to feel solid in. We auditioned for the Opera last night and today I found out that I was given a role, which humbled me and offers me an opportunity to fulfill my desire - a way to keep working on my craft. Desire desire desire.

I greatly desire to share this poem by Rumi, who is wonderful with words:

I've said before that every craftsman
searches for what's not there
to practice his craft.

A builder looks for the rotten hole
where the roof caved in. A water-carrier
picks the empty pot. A carpenter
stops at the house with no door.

Workers rush toward some hint
of emptiness, which they then
start to fill. Their hope, though,
is for emptiness, so don't think
you must avoid it. It contains
what you need!
Dear soul, if you were not friends
with the vast nothing inside,
why would you always be casting you net
into it, and waiting so patiently?

...

Know that your body nurtures the spirit,
helps it grow, and gives it wrong advise.

The body becomes, eventually, like a vest
of chain mail in peaceful years,
too hot in summer and too cold in winter.

But the body's desires, in another way, are like
an unpredictable associate, whom you must be
patient with. And that companion is helpful,
because patience expands your capacity
to love and feel peace.
...

Friendship and loyalty have patience
as the strength of their connection.

Feeling lonely and ignoble indicates
that you haven't been patient.

-Rumi VI (1369-1420) from Rumi : One-Handed Basket Weaving

I am also in the mindset of discovering what I simply do not desire and cannot tolerate. I think this list is much more lengthy, not to mention shame-based/fear-based. When you think about it, we are all shame-based - motivated to action because we...
1. Fear the possibility of feeling shame because we do/say/think/want something
2. Learned from our past shame and want to avoid similar experiences
3. Want to help others avoid being shamed

...and the list goes on.

It all starts with our desires, and whether those desires/thoughts/impulses are acted upon, what the result is, and how it affects our future actions. Then we get nature and our fellow humans involved and find the clash of armies as our desires conflict with the desires of others.

It's all a mess, isn't it? :) Regardless, I got what I "wanted" and I'll be in the Opera this coming Spring. It spurred these thoughts in me and I had to give them life.

May your desires bring you peace, success, and joy!

A morbid bit of patriotism...

Here's my anthem for those of you without facebook:

I was walking to my bus stop the other morning and saw this:

And couldn't help thinking of this:

Morbid, I know, but it just came to my mind. I thought it was really interesting, for many reasons, but it ultimately led me to be grateful for the people who fight the good fights.

There's a graveyard in northern France where all the dead boys from D-Day are buried. The white crosses reach from one horizon to the other. I remember looking it over and thinking it was a forest of graves. But the rows were like this, dizzying, diagonal, perfectly straight, so after all it wasn't a forest but an orchard of graves. Nothing to do with nature, unless you count human nature.

-Barbara Kingsolver

ugh! rehearsal sucked. try, try again.

Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.

-Arnold H. Glasow

AUTUMN, JE T'AIME!!!!

I wish I had more photographs of what has happened in the last couple of days - lots of really beautiful moments. Anyways here a couple of shots to whet your Autumnal Appetite and I'll also include some notebook entries I've jotted down:

"11.2.09 - In Conducting - watching a groundskeeper raking leaves. A long stick got into his pile. He picked it up and gave it a nice, juvenile toss to the base of the tree. He seemed satisfied. Why do we rake leaves, anyways?"

"11.4.09 - (while listening to "Im Treibhaus" in Vocal Lit) for a second I could see the music [from the page of the score in class] reflected in the face of my watch - it was exquisite. the leaves out the window are lovely as well."

If I could remember a single word of my dance-party rap, I would insert it here, but a photo will have to suffice:

As you can see, I was wearing a hard hat and safety goggles. There is no reason to be jealous, just know that when I make it big as a rap artist I will be sporting this ensemble on a regular basis. I plan to come out with my own line of hard hats, and everyone will be 10 x safer in the daily happenings of life.

Tonight I went to dinner with my friend and former coworker James, and we stopped by Hatch's afterwards- a locally-owned chocolate place. While we were walking through the Avenues I realized that it was seriously the nicest Autumn weather I think I've ever experience. It was so crisp, and fragrant, and still. On my walk from the bus stop to meet him tonight I was wading calf-deep in these HUUUGE leaves on N Street. I kicked them up and made as much noise as possible mwahaha... UGH! I love this weather, I love Autumn so much!! Also, we walked by piles of people's raked leaves and kicked them with spite.

"Flames and smoke climbed out of every window and disappeared with everything that you held dear. But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need, cause you knew you were finally free... And all you see are so many possibilities..."

-Death Cab for Cutie

Marveling! Marvelous.

I have something to say, and I'm only going to say it once: there are some things in life I will never understand, and the human brain is one of them. What a remarkable piece of matter we are working with up there in our noggins. How could we possibly EVER fathom the capacity we have with our brains? We can't! There is no way. How could I wake up, know what my body needs, use my brain to make my world function, understand and intake information, cook eggs and bacon, communicate, reason and debate and empathize and ponder and find amusement... how? How how how? What a system...

I love colors. I love that my eyes can interpret them and that they resonate within me. I was in the tub the other night and I experienced indigo (without the use of hallucinogenic drugs). My thoughts have been indigo.... I'm a hippie? So sue me. Then go try to be indigo.

If I could keep one moment from my day forever and ever, it would be this: assembling crappy shelves from Smith's while listening to Sigur Ros. I was somehow able to THINK of harmony, DESIRE it, intake breath, let it back through my epiglottis, use it to resonate in my bones, let it be articulated, and sing. What a miracle.

If there is one thing I regret most in the last month it is this: dropping my phone last night and losing ALL OF MY NOTES that I had recorded in my phone in the past 8 months. All my quotes. All my to-do lists. All my motivational messages. All my thoughts I had recorded in there. It really, really bums me out.

"In other words, I should say, there are no words."

La la love you

I turned in my graduation papers today!!! May 2010 here I COME!

Let's be real here: being sick is probably the worst thing to happen to a Vocalist. It sucks for everyone, everywhere, but I can think of nothing more toxic to my studies! I haven't been to class or work this whole past week. Blahhh...aaahhh...ahh...ah.. *gasp* It's okay! Monday is my resolve: I'm getting back in it, and I'm going to dominate.

Why is Autumn such a fleeting season?!?! Gah! If only it could stay alllll year long! But alas. We have to sadly watch this:

Be suffocated by this:

Despite the snow and the sickness and the complications that come with being human, I can honestly say that I'm a happy girl. I'm finishing up The Fountainhead, which is a remarkable read for any and all to enjoy, if you can handle Ayn Rand (and we all know what a compulsively descriptive writer she is. I've never known an author's pages to actually wreak of ego the way hers do... regardless, it's sheer brilliance).

Also, I have had a couple of auditions, so that's always a good thing :) I'm happy to be. Imagine that.

"Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame."

-Erica Jong

Yes please. Thank you so much.

Utah, you've done something I am forever grateful for. This year has been one of the most spectacular Autumn seasons I've seen while living here. I am LOVING IT. Our campus is breathtaking, and the streets are filled with all kinds of wonderful colors and trees and gutters full of leaves! It's the best best best!! I love this season so much.

Epic mountains and sky:

when god decided to invent

everything he took one

breath bigger than a circus tent

and everything began

when man determined to destroy

himself he picked the was

of shall and finding only why

smashed it into because

-e.e. cummings

*************************************************************

Buffalo Bill & Macbeth

I drove back to Vegas with my parents and brother's family. When we got to the state line we braved Buffalo Bill's magical wild ride. See photos:

The obstacle:

Walking to my death:

Domination:

Last night (Saturday) I attended the opening of Utah Opera's Macbeth at Capitol Theatre. It was truly an amazing performance. I was totally blown away by the voices, the costumes, the level of acting from the cast/chorus, and the orchestra. Verdi was a brilliant man... he really created a masterpiece with this one. I loved it. It made me miss New York.

Then I enjoyed a rowdie evening with my lady friends!! Gabi, me, Julia, Ruby. Ta dahhh!

Now that we're back to school tomorrow I'm feeling like this semester is going to finally get what's coming to it: the wrath of my domination. I am ready to kick some serious butt. Hold on to your hats.

California sun on strike...

And I couldn't be happier... This "rainy" day is absolutely divine. I thought I should post some photos of my bus ride...so... ummm taking photos out of a bus is really strange and glare-full. I was driving through the desert- they are boring. But I LOVE the drive from Utah to California, especially when you are chasing the sunset. Then you leave at sunrise with the Rockies and you get sunset over the silhouetted hills of the desert. It's my favorite.

Some things about my ride:

• I was the only white female on the bus, so... that's good.
• Spanish comes in handy, I translated for some passengers.
• I'm sure there was some real shady stuff happening on the ride between the passengers, but I enjoyed a whole row to myself and the naivety of looking out the window and listening to Ben Folds, Regina Spektor, Kate Nash, and all of our opera scenes music. Yeah.
• The layover in Vegas was just over an hour and I got to have lunch with the parentals, my brother and his family, and that was nice. They are actually coming to California today, so we will only be without my other brother and his family... wah.
• I'm listening to the Decemberists' most recent album. It is epic - if you don't have it, get it. It's a fantastic concept album, very cool. So perfect for this rainy day...
• The rest of the ride was spent reading and looking out the window. I had an epiphany at one point - that was helpful. :) I won't go into detail, but I just felt secure in the Universe and felt a peace that has been missing from my life for a little while.

Overall, I'm totally happy I did the bus ride. I am excited for the ride home, since it will be mostly at night and I'll probably get to see another gorgeous sunset that I can't quite capture through the lens of a camera. Eyesight is truly a remarkable gift - I have had that on my mind a lot lately. I don't know what I would do without it, especially if it was taken from me after I knew the beauty of the world and couldn't ever see some of God's most precious creations again. Ugh. I just can't imagine.

As those of you receiving my Status Updates have been told: Ali Out.

"Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving through, and be silent."

-Rumi

please enjoy, for that is the purpose of music

music. love. simplicity.

A delightful dinner

Greetings!

Last night I had the luck of having dinner with Stephanie Sundine (you may remember her from adventures such as: Alison lives in New York, and Alison is Directed by Stephanie in Little Women). We went to Buca di Beppo or however you spell it. All I remember is that Seth told us that Buca means "buttcheek" in Romanian, so that's all that really matters. We had a lovely time - Stephanie is full of light and wisdom - I enjoyed myself so much. We had great conversation and great food! This is the epic cake we shared for dessert:

As you can clearly see, I am giddy with anticipation. Yes, readers, it was as delicious as it looks. (drools)

I woke up this morning to some EPIC rain! The thunder crashed over the house and I woke up, hearing it like a lioness purring in my ear, and fell back asleep. The pavement is wet and the sky is full of God's grace and glory.

“May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire.”

-Irish Blessing

An Update fit for Kings

Photos worth sharing (extensive update below!):

Keir and I playing piano.

Katelyn and I after our dinner date. I like my profile freckles. I never knew I had so many.

Ummm? Candid?

Being a cold Bakkhai.

Practice room survival 101 with Miss Ruby!

SO, I intend to give this blog the righteous update it deserves. It has been far too long.

Because I live in Utah slash Antarctica, Autumn (my favorite season, beloved above all others) lasted for about 2 days. The weather was absolutely phenomenal and divine and I loved it so much. It makes my heart sing :) Today was sleety. What's up with that? It kills my collar bone - the cold really brings about a pain that I can't really ease. It's rough. :(

The Bakkhai was a tremendous success. We had a wonderful following of supporters and had an absolute riot with that production. I feel so honored and blessed that I got to try my hand at a Theatre Dept project - who knows if that will happen again. I learned SO MUCH by discovering the differences and similarities between departments and "genres" (Music/Theatre and Classical/Rock...) It was a wonderful learning experience, not to mention an alter ego I had never explored! Playing the character of "Wrath" will do things to you - in every facet of life.

In other news, I'm finally catching up on schoolwork and music. I love having the practice time to get into the catacombs and plunk out my notes. Ruby has been my fearless partner in crime and we have been kicking butt at memorizing for Opera scenes.

Now that it's Autumn, all things wonderful and pumpkin flavored have once again emerged into my life in the form of pancakes, pie, cookies, bread, and lattes: all pumpkin flavored, all delightful to smell, taste, look upon, and hold (when warm, and not sticky).

The truth is, my energy level post-show is nearly exploding out of my body except that it has nowhere to go - I have no place to focus all of this pent-up energy that was previously channeled through rehearsals. I am trying to stay focused on school and music and work, but my exuberance for life and performing sometimes creates an anxiety that I can't quench. Time to start Yoga again in addition to nightly meditation/journaling. I miss the studio, and my peace that I find on the mat.

Love to all, and wishing you well. (If anyone reads this anymore)

Happiest girl posts a happiest blog.

Autumn is upon us. Summer has officially ended. My favorite time of the year has finally arrived! I was sitting at my bus stop yesterday morning enjoying these, the first of the gutter leaves I've seen this year.

While this looks fantastically dramatic and pensive, I actually put the camera on timer and didn't get back and sit down on time. Sooo there's that. Enjoy girl at bus stop.

On the way to Weber to perform The Bakkhai. This is a big tire that went from the ground past my window in the car. I took a photo. Enjoy tire.

Weber. Theater. Where we will do theatre. And ACTING.

Sweaty girl, happy girl, acting girl. Ta dahhh!

Life is wonderful. Today, especially, but just in general. I am so happy! I have so many good things to love and appreciate, as well as so many wonderful people to enjoy. Now, I get a night off and I get to catch up on my life and my "homeworks."

Love to all.

"An artist cannot fail. It is a success to be one."

-Charles Cooley

Performing. Or not.

BYU asked us to leave before we got to perform on Monday. While it was upsetting, we respect them for making that decision rather than asking us to censor or compromise our show. Regardless, it is a greek tragedy for goodness' sakes. We were playing by Euripides' rules, speaking his words, and hoping to present our audiences with challenging and thought-provoking material.

See us on the news.

Beautiful

Birds.

[insert sigh of relief here]

A poem given to me by my best friend:

Humility

 

I have everything to learn.

This will be what keeps me.

What points me toward humility:

Knowing how very little I know

How very far I have to go.

As for now . . .I know nothing.

I know I know nothing.

I have been blessed.

Last night I was about ready to scream because I was so overwhelmed with music to learn, assignments to do, books to read, and laundry that has literally swallowed everything in my room except a 5'7 space for me to sleep in. Then I got a text from mom that they had received a letter from my insurance company calling off the hospital bills from my bicycle accident (Oct '08). Maybe it was because I was so tired, but maybe it was because my heart was bursting with gratitude, but I cried some happy tears and fell asleep.

"Thank you, Universe. Send me more."

Too much

There's too much right now! There is too much in my heart and my head and I'm exhausted and tonight was an all-dance rehearsal and I'm sweaty and tired and sore and frustrated and I need my body to cooperate even though it's doing an amazing job and I'm so grateful to have such a functional and capable system working for me but good grief I am delirious.

"Wouldn't it be a grand surprise if we found that within our own beings, our own breath, our own unique voices, lies waiting a superb power for healing, for helping us gently toward wholeness, and for uniting us with one another and more fully with ourselves?"

I still have loads of laundry and my Italian homework to do. Sometimes I just don't know how I do this college nonsense.